However, playing this game with him changes the whole dynamic of the game. He's the most fun person to play a board game with. I truly love our memorable times together!
Here is a picture before we started, followed by a video towards the end of the game...
Cycle 4 wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. I was a bit afraid of starting it, knowing how terrible it was during Cycle 3 with respect to the smells, but my body somehow denied those smells and I was more 'confident' about this whole chemo thing. The mask helped me a bit, but I didn't use it much.
Before I really get into details about this cycle, let me include the song that lifted me up during this cycle's tough times. I had heard this song many, many a times before, but it wasn't until I was in the midst of it all that I discovered its beauty. A friend had also sent it to me a few months ago, but it didn't mean to me as much as it does now.
Here are the links if the video isn't working for whatever reason:
An acoustic version of the song:
The words that really touched me were:
"I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me."
I try to stay reminded that through my suffering, my bond with Christ grows stronger, as does my comfort and peace. They all grow simultaneously and go hand in hand. It's His promise after all:
2 Corinthians 1:5
"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
What keeps me going is also the fact that this race or journey isn't mine, but God's. It brings me great joy to hope to see that His glory be revealed through my suffering. Although nothing close to what the disciples and martyrs suffered, it gives me a glimpse of the truth behind these powerful verses. Nothing else would have consoled me. I can only imagine what reaction I would have had hearing my diagnosis without Christ steering my ship.
1 Peter 4:13
"But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."
Without these promises, this journey would be personal, meaningless and a total waste. I would be walking a dark alley all alone -- Even though family and friends are here to help, I would still be the only one who would really feel the pinch. But through Him, I have hope that something better -- beyond my understanding and beyond my now secured salvation -- will come out of this. Why am I so into this? I am happy to live for him: If we are worth dying for, then Jesus must be worth living for!
The words in the David Crowder Band hymn that also totally stole my heart are very simple, yet hard to grasp: "If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking". I had put this up as my status on Facebook and 12 people quickly Liked it. My God, my faith, and my salvation cannot be without His unending Grace. A friend then asked me why we would sink, versus swimming and floating as God would help His children from sinking...I told the friend that if one floats or swims, then the picture painted of God's Grace is weak. It wouldn't have an impact at all. The point of the metaphor is to simply show how big, huge, vast, deep etc... is God's Grace towards mankind. I wish we all understood this, but unfortunately we don't, and we will never be able to.
Sometimes people ask me to ask God why this happened to me and I deny the thought because I am not interested in knowing. It's pointless. He has a purpose and His will will be done. As for me, I'll try to do my job along the way...the latter thought falls in the subset of understanding God, of understanding His Love, His Grace, His Faithfulness...If you think you will ever grasp the depth and abundance of these amazing attributes, you're wrong.
And as Francis Chan said in his book "Crazy Love", it's ridiculous for us to think that we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of comprehending...God is so much bigger, so far beyond our time-encased, air/food/sleep-dependent lives.
Shifting gears..Ok, so this cycle totally did it for me! Im looking more and more like a cancer patient. Earlier, one would have to look at me closely to figure out if I was one or not. No one really knew for sure. But this is as far as my pokerface takes me. My skin is much more yellow, my eyebrows are close to gone (this sucks, lol), my eyes are so much lighter in color and my head is shining more than ever! For those of you who might remember, my strong eyebrows were one of my facial characteristics. Almost gone now! I won't complain though...because this is temporary.
The picture below was taken a few days before my eyebrows totally disappeared.
It could however put me in someone else's shoes for a short period of time to experience what others go through: from lower self-esteem to handicaps that might affect different areas in one's life (love life, social life, overall joy and hope, career etc..). When a person loses self-esteem or has a relatively low one, it can be very damaging. I see people with low morale all over the hospital, and it's really depressing. Fortunately, the people who saw me during Cycle 4 got to see how my spirit is still very uplifted and happy....and always hopeful in the Lord.
Verses such as this one are just so soothing to the soul:
Romans 15:13"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Looks matter to everyone, it's a fact. Losing my eyebrows was tougher than losing my hair, or looking yellow at times. And this is why I've been wearing hats lately whenever in public...Looking normal again seems like a dream....Until that day...
Here's a quick video of this Cycle on Day 2 of Chemo. It happened to be the Semifinal between Netherlands and Uruguay. Also notice how I joke with the nurse about adding him on Facebook, haha ;)
On Day 4, the smells issue came to fruition again and I wore the mask for a while.
I know it might look totally dorky, but so be it. It's helped me, without even using the mask's filter.
Here is a short video taken during Chemo...
I don't know about you, but I hate needles. I can't even look at them. Since I started this journey back in April, I averaged one prick every 2 days. Injecting something into my body is usually easier than drawing blood as I am really tired of 'donating' my blood for testing, lol. I find the idea of drawing blood quite disturbing. The good news, however, is that I finally got used to most of these needles! What people have told me is almost true! I'm still working on the IV as that one hurts the most. I don't know if it's stamina or if I am now simply stronger minded, but the pain aspect of it has been reduced, knowing what to expect.
As I was feeling more confident about this process, a nurse calls my name for another blood draw... It was a tuesday morning and I was ready to go home afterwards. She took me to a room that's different from the norm. MD Anderson has a big room with about 12 nurses, bringing in people like cattle, every few minutes, and working on blood draws full-time. The thought is pretty scary; the amount of blood they collect every hour is definitely beyond what our minds can fathom. But for the first time, the shepherd called me to a different room! I didn't know whether to be excited or nervous. She was a nice woman though. I asked her if she was 'easy' on blood draws and if she had a 'soft' hand. She immediately smiled at me and pointed to the wall.
I looked in front of me and saw that she had tons of "Thank you" notes from patients attesting to her excellent work. That gave me some comfort....until I got pricked!! I still remember that prick...It was a super painful blood draw! I couldn't believe what was happening, and couldn't wait till it was over. She immediately covered my arm with a gauze and I couldn't see the carnage until I took it off shortly thereafter. The gauze was totally red due to flowing blood...My arm felt the damage of this 'good' nurse...
Maybe I should censor all these topics and gruesome images, but I doubt a minor would be reading through this blog....lol
The morale of this story is beautifully described in
Psalm 20:7
"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God."
I don't know why I trusted this nurse. After all, people mess up and are not perfect, unlike my God who is flawless. As long as I don't put hope, trust and faith in people, I know I can't be disappointed, because the perfection of these attributes belong to God.
This last blood draw was a setback in my accomplishment of thinking I had overcome this painful and arduous process. But it's ok...I was still in the category of "Two Steps forward and one step back" versus "One step forward and two steps back"....I'm mentally fine with it as long as I'm getting somewhere; I believe I've had quite a run so far, considering this was my 65th prick? Who knows...I've done plenty...but plenty more to go...
This cycle was super busy...I had an MRI on July 16, a CT Scan and X-Ray on July 21 and a PET Scan on July 27. I also met with 2 Surgeons as well as my Sarcoma doctor for an update on my tumor after test results came back.
I wasn't left alone all throughout the recovery period of this cycle. It was pretty intense and each procedure took hours including waiting time etc...Unfortunately, I know the hospital inside out now, and know my way around pretty well....So I am no longer a tourist or a lost guest wandering around. I'm not sure this is a good thing though.
Although it wasn't my first MRI, I still had trouble with this one...from a different perspective though. The room was freezing cold and I felt the need to ask the Technician for a blanket. He tied my legs (so that I wouldn't move) and snuck my body with the blanket...Then I was inserted into the cylindrical coffin for 35 min....Inside the tube, it was pretty hot despite a small vent opening coming from the top. That helped for just a bit. I had no problem not moving because my tumor and pain were controlled, unlike my first nightmarish MRI experience. However, 20 minutes into this test, I started really sweating and spent a few minutes guessing what minute I was on. I didn't want to stop the testing only for me to have to re-do the 35 min. I tried lasting a few more minutes and I felt my whole body sweating bullets. It was unbearable. So I call out to the Technician and impatiently ask him to take me out, unless we were almost done.
He tells me "Daniel, you have 8 seconds to go!"....I was totally relieved. Removing the blanket over me and getting out of that coffin felt better than eating a Double Whopper at Burger King.
Waking up at 6am for a CT Scan isn't the most exciting event. July 21st, 2010 deemed to be one of the longest and most humbling days. A day I'll never forget.
The CT Scan requires an IV, similarly to the MRI and to the PET Scan. That's why I hate those processes. Like I said earlier in this post, I still have a small fear of IV's, due to the 5 failed attempts of putting one in my arm in St. Lukes back in April when I was diagnosed. The marks of those failed IV's still linger on my arm, 5 months later. It had to be the most painful experience I've ever had. Memories of the pain dwell in my mind and a small fear kicks in, but I am learning to be strong with IV's as well. Since they're not as frequent as regular blood draws, it might be a while for me to get used to them. I don't mind finishing this journey and not accomplishing this though, lol.
Later on that day (July 21st), my family and I were to meet with Dr. Lewis, my Surgeon. It was a big day for us as we were getting the MRI/CT Scan results through what the surgeon would tell us. After all, they are planning to cut me up...so it better be a much anticipated meeting.
She walked in with her team of 5. I smelled trouble. One of the team members was a younger guy (probably around my age). I looked at him a few times, but I could tell that he felt pity for me and therefore didn't want to mislead me by sharing a smile, until Dr. Lewis broke the news. It was a very uncomfortable setting -- Imagine sitting in class waiting for the teacher to orally give out your grade in front of the class, knowing you had done bad. The anxiety while awaiting that moment is similar to what we felt this day, but multiply that by 10, 20, 50 times. This day marks one of 3 climaxes in my journey.
Initially, I was told I would have a small incision of around 5cm, as they would take out a small piece of the infected bone. I didn't think this was too bad. The fortunate news (and this is where God's grace is also very fulfilling) was that my bone cancer is in the Iliac bone/crest, the only expendable bone in the pelvis! Knowing this made me praise God. I was spared from the ring or other bones where the implications are more severe.
However, it turns out my tumor spread in the bone marrow of the Iliac bone and the whole bone was infected! I am 3mm away from the Ring. If the Ring is touched, chances are I will either limp or will not be able to run....Each individual is different, but overall, these cases are more relentless.
They plan to cut me open from underneath my belly button, around my hip to my back. The incision will be about 25cm (if not bigger), and they plan to take out all the Iliac bone instead of a small piece.
Although dealing with an expendable bone, it was devastating news. The surgeon explained to us how during surgery, they will be taking out samples to test for alive vs. dead cells and keep shaving off as they go, depending on whether the tumor is dead or not. As of now, the whole bone needs to go. I quickly asked her about my ability to run and walk normally post operation. She said she couldn't guarantee anything and that the answer to that will be determined during surgery.
Taking in this news and living with the possibility of not being able to run, or possibly limp for the rest of my life was as tough as knowing I had cancer. I'm a very athletic guy and running means the world to me.
Towards the end of March, I went to a conference and we had a treasure hunt around midnight...we had to run over 5 miles in the middle of the night and it felt great (we won the hunt, by the way)...I already miss running, it's been 4-5 months!
I cried several times knowing my abilities might no longer be the same....I was really knocked down and saddened. One of the lowest points in my life...What a day July 21st turned out to be.
And here is a video that I took right after returning from the hospital...
It's UNBELIEVABLE how while bad news is rushing to my side, He is able to stir things up from inside. While knocked down, and when I am supposed to be totally miserable and hopeless, His promises are nothing shy from total perfection and beauty.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 says
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships in persecution in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
This has to be one of the most beautiful passages. How can one not strive to love Paul and be/think like him? I am weak, very weak, but through Christ, I am surely strong. This strength has allowed me to accept what's to come. A very hard thing to say, but I gave it all to Him. Whatever He wants to do with me and my life, I'll take it, for He knows the plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11) -- A hope beyond this worldly realm.
This same friend/brother, along with his family visited me from Canada/Lebanon. It was the farthest anyone had traveled to visit me. They were the first to do it, too. We were so honored to have them over for 2-3 days. We were so thankful to enjoy amazing fellowship and unforgettable moments together. I love them like my own family. Thank you for being there...
Did I mention he's also a super star in FIFA & completely destroyed me? ;)
On the 27th of July, I was at MD Anderson very early (6:30am) for a pleasant PET Scan that awaited me. I have to admit that this time, fortunately, I was able to fall asleep for half the time (30min) due to me staying up late the night before.
The following day, my family and I had to see my doctor for the monthly post-Cycle meeting. This smiling individual, so confident and so sure of his medical abilities was that day disappointed. We could all notice that he was unhappy with my PET Scan results...During Cycles 1 and 2, the tumor shrunk roughly 60%, a miraculous number. However, during cycles 3 and 4, my tumor grew substantially from 2.5 x 3cm to 3.6 x 3.7cm. It was more tough news for us to bear in such short time. With all the rough and terrible Chemo I was taking, the tumor was still aggressive enough to grow. The doctor looked at us and told us that we are essentially in another phase now...Expanding on this, my survival rate is lower than the initial 65%. But to be perfectly honest with you, these numbers mean nothing to me. Whether my survival rate is 90% or 10%, it's all the same in God's eyes. He's the one in control. I don't forget that, and therefore statistics and facts are not compatible with God's miracles.
My prognosis is around 45% at this time. I don't feel a bit more scared than when it was at 65%.
He then looked at me and told me: "Daniel, we're going to have to push harder now." I asked him what that meant, and he said that he's going to have to strengthen the Chemo dosage while extending its period to 6 days. This is basically the harshest Chemo out there. We thought 5 days was the limit, but my doctor is wanting to break the barrier of light, lol. He wants to take me to the edge of death and back to life, as some have told me. This news I could bear, I guess, because it's temporary suffering, much easier to accept than not being able to run for example...but it's no walk in the park....I know this, because I could barely do the 5 days. You're talking about 144 hours of continuous infusion...It's ridiculous.
He added that I would have to start Radiation simultaneously, every weekday for 45 days. For those of you who might not know, combining intensive Chemotherapy with Radiation is a killer.
My mom was worried about me always going out for dinner with friends and staying 'too' active -- the doctor fired back: "Don't worry, with this new regimen, he's probably going to want to stay in bed and at home."
___________________________
To make matters worse, I heard that one of my best friends and brothers in Christ was leaving Houston for good. He was with me all throughout my journey and was a super great supportive individual. He would make the most depressed people happy and knew how to touch people genuinely. He had this charisma and magnetism that few people possess. I will really miss him!
He also plays the Ge-Orge Character....A personality you don't want to miss out on!.....
....Amongst a myriad of other genius things....
And finally, if some of you are still tracking with me, another close friend and sister in Christ decided to leave Houston as well...Much loved by all, she has a very serving heart. I wish we all loved to serve half as much as she does! We were honored to throw a Farewell Party / Bible study for both deserters ;)
Other Pictures from this cycle:
Again, leaving the best for the last!
The family below visited me and spent time with my family. They came from Lebanon for a few days. Our time together was blessed and memorable!
Just another regular lunch...Too much fellowship going on in TX!
Friends we visited in The Woodlands!
My French-Lebanese sister friends from a lonnng time ago! One sister is missing! ;)
Dear friends from Rice University --
A few Middle Eastern countries represented here ;)
Other Rice University friends who came to visit me
from Dallas, TX and Shreveport, LA
Again, leaving the best for the last!
My brother does not cease to amaze me with his frequent visits to Houston...God Bless him for always being there...Although living in DC, his presence in this journey is one of daily concern and commitment to the cause. I don't know how I can ever repay him for what he's done. Our love for each other and our bond has definitely grown. Thank you once again for all! I love you brother!
Not to discount the fact that the same applies to my sister. It's as if nothing else mattered to her at this time except me. I often don't know how to respond to such love. Truly blessed!
As for my parents....What need I say? I guess it's no mistake my siblings are who they are...I have a GOLDEN family!
