After laying flat on the air suction platform, the Tech guy sucked the air out so that the shape of my body would get molded on the blue cushion cradles.
A few moments later, he tells me that we need to 'Tattoo' 3 dots on my hips: 1 on the left side and 2 on the right side. He used thin and long needles to prick me. I now have 3 little dot Tattoos which will never go away, a sign of remembrance of my radiation days. I don't mind them at all. They're barely visible considering I'll have a scar through half my body. And yes, I know!! I put on lots of weight ;) Thanks for the reminder...lol
You might question what I'm about to share with you and maybe immediately react by thinking that "because he is sick and is going through tough times, he is saying what he is saying." This is not true. I always believed in this, but was a silent Lukewarm Christian. This is no longer the case. I will share my faith and share my true beliefs with anyone who is willing to lend an ear. There is no time to waste, and I hope, that you too, through whatever circumstances life puts you in are able to draw closer to God and recognize that Jesus Christ is the only way to salvation. Please keep in mind that I love you all, despite your background or your religious beliefs. I am not trying to offend anyone. I'm only sharing my take on this most important topic.
In my situation, because I was stubborn, selfish and unable to detach from this world and what it had to offer, I was sinking slowly but surely, and found myself wasting years and eventually forgetting God to some extent. God, religion and church didn't trigger much in my heart. I tried to find the joy in it, but I just didn't feel it for a long time... This is why I thank God day and night for my life today and where I stand as I write this. My cancer has been my biggest blessing.
Don't forget that I had the choice to turn my back and keep looking away from God. It's easier, and living the life that the world imposes on you is just what makes sense. It's also more fun, more tempting and can seem more world-rewarding. But that's as far as it goes. You're living for the moment only.
Not because I was born in a Christian home does it make me bias or blindly following my family's spiritual and religious footsteps. I found this truth throughout the years through personal experiences, but now more than ever. And it's real. Very real. I also feel the joy it grants. It's abundant.
You might also debate with me about Jesus Christ being the only way to salvation. If you believe in the Bible, it must be a no-brainer as the Scriptures address this confirmation non-stop. It's time that we put those verses to work. If you're not a Christian, I urge you to do your homework before setting foot on another religious or atheistic path. But before exploring the truth, please pray to God to touch you and reveal Himself to you in one way or the other (not necessarily physically or through a dream, but rather a confirmation or an inner feeling of some sort). He is alive and will listen to your plea. He will tickle your heart. And at that point, don't relieve that sensation, but instead, feed it. Keep exploring it, and pray again and again, even if your prayer is of the shortest form. However, it must be sincere. Oh, and if you are at this point, please contact me. I would love to talk to you about it, as I will be very joyful too!
Luke 15:7
Jesus said "I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."
On August 2nd, I was to start my 6 day Chemo cycle. I was afraid and more nervous about this cycle as the chemo dosage was going to be stronger and more cumulative, and I had to 'last' an extra day. I usually couldn't wait to get disconnected on my 5th day, and I begin getting antsy on Day 3. Days 3 and 4 were the hardest because they are 'full fledged' Chemo days, whereas Day 5 has a different feel to it as I am waking up knowing that by the time I sleep at night, I would no longer be dealing with chemo infusions.
However, this time, I would have to extend this antsy feeling by a day...The thought made me dread the cycle that's to come. I was uncomfortable, simply uncomfortable, but not really stressed.
While driving to the hospital, I immediately remembered Christ, and how right before His Crucifixion He was praying in the Garden of Gesthemane and sweating blood due to great stress and anguish.
Luke 22:44
“And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.”
Although my Chemo dosage was proven to be the highest and toughest one MD Anderson gives to any patient, I didn't feel a fraction of the anguish and stress that Christ felt. I can't really call it stress because I wasn't stressed out....I was simply not looking forward to some tough times knowing I wouldn't be 'at ease.' I realized how my experience was nothing close to Christs' because I wasn't even sweating, let alone sweating blood. How much tougher and stronger, and more painful was the cross?? Wow!!! It's something we cannot comprehend. All these thoughts rushed through my mind as I was heading to the hospital...It gave me strength to face what Im about to face without giving myself much credit for doing it because God is with me, always!
I then imagined going through this 6 Day Cycle for a friend, a family member, a person who has persecuted or hurt me, anyone....I don't know if I could, and I don't know if I have the humility to want to do it. Im just putting things in perspective so we can all see what a great sacrifice Jesus Christ did for all of us, and yet the world is blind in seeing how majestic His love is for us. We turn the other cheek and go about our lives selfishly. We need to stop living selfish lives, forgetful of our God. I cannot stress this enough.
In Matthew 16:25, Jesus says "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."
We always want to do what we want, and not what God designed us to do. We wake up every morning forgetting that without His grace, none of us would be breathing or reading this blog right now...
Revelation 4:11
"You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being."
Most of us bear the Christianity label, and perhaps wear a cross around our necks, only to accept obeying small parts of the Bible -- just as long as it doesn't mess with our daily lives and doesn't cross into our comfort zones. We may distort and deny the rest. Why have generations lost the true meaning of 'bearing the cross'?
I look back and am ashamed at myself for how I've lived part of my life...but I'm still young and I still have time to prove myself and prove that God is ultimately the prize I want to attain. Anything worldly is worthless. We're only living a milli-second flash when comparing our earthly time with eternity...What foolish person cannot understand this concept?
I can totally relate to how Radical Muslims do what they do. They are so convinced that their martyrdom will grant them access to heaven; something totally worth it for them. They'd rather sacrifice their time on earth for eternal joy in heaven. I feel with them, and understand their mindset. (Whether the Qur'an requires this or not is out of the scope of this topic). The same applies to Christianity though, but in a different way. Jesus Christ is Love and He simply wants us to love Him and live a harmonious, relationship-centered Godly life. We don't have to do too much to earn grace and salvation. He already died for us.
If you don't question your salvation, there's something wrong -- we are all blinded by our pride. I pray this does not hinder your faith. If there's one thing I learned so far throughout my cancer is that human beings are so frail, so weak, so fragile...We're simply nothing. Everything can seem to be going for us, but in one instant, one second, it can all be taken away -- whether through a severe health disease, a deadly car accident etc...
James 4:14
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."
If you're not interested in giving more than 0-1% of your time to God, then that's your decision, but He deserves so much more. Whatever we're distracted with is immaterial in the big scope of things. We go about our daily lives, day after day, neglecting the reason we are, and neglecting the God who created us! What are you busy with tomorrow? Studying for an exam? Headed to work to make a measly few $$? Going to the hairdresser to look better for the night? All of this worthless!
When I think about these things, I realize just how empty and self-driven we are. We think happiness is measured with earthly achievements or materialistic things, perhaps even sexual success or sexual pleasure, but the yield remains "overall emptiness". We should want and desire a loving God to lean on and to feel at peace, to get the blessings He wants to give His children; most of these blessings unseen to the eye. We should be passionate about a God who wants the best for us, and who promises an eternity of joy for His children!
Going back to the topic of the Crucifixion...As powerful as Jesus is, he could easily have avoided the Crucifixion. He could have brought down a legion of angels to protect him. He could have made his skin impenetrable. He could have anesthetized his pain so that he felt nothing. But he chose to do none of these things. Rather, he willingly chose to genuinely be “wounded for our transgressions” and “bruised for our iniquities” so that he could truly pay for our sins and suffer human death. Are you comprehending this vast love? For as much as your mind can fathom, it's just not enough, it's more than that. It makes me want to try and live an obedient life, an all-encompassing Biblical life, a Christ-centered life, not simply a "I don't steal, I don't kill, I go to church on Sundays" type of Christian life, because as blinding as it may seem, it's worthless too.
Francis Chan puts it in a more compelling style: "Most of our thoughts are centered on the money we want to make, the school we want to attend, the body we aspire to have, the spouse we want to marry, the kind of person we want to become...But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God; it's about eternity and nothing compares with that."
Reach out and join me on this journey. You'll definitely look back and jump from joy when you realize this was the best decision you've ever made.
Daniel Webster once said "The greatest thought that has ever entered my mind is that one day I will have to stand before a holy God and give an account of my life."
A few guys and I started a weekly small group meeting, which includes accountability to remain accountable to each other. Our first topic is Humility...We're reading an awesome book titled Humility by Andrew Murray -- a must read for everyone. We all have pride in its various shapes and forms. It's something we need to fight with God's help, to rid ourselves from it in order to draw closer to God.
In the first chapter I learned about how much humility it took Christ to do what He did for us on the cross.
Isaiah 53:7
“He was oppressed and He was afflicted, Yet He did not open His mouth; He was led like a lamb to the slaughter...so He did not open His mouth.”
Philippians 2:8-9
"And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled himself, and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!"
If you really think about this, you can't but respect and love such a man, a man who lived to the fullest the concept of Love and selflessness.
If you're still unable to feel me on this, think about it this way:
Imagine you're the son of a diplomat, the son of a president or the son of a CEO. Would you spend your teenage years as well as your twenties with a low-key, humble personality? You probably wouldn't. Every person who comes in contact with you would know who your father was. I am sure you would have pride when it comes to your family's status. You wouldn't tolerate anyone persecuting you or hating on you. Your bad, temper-filled side would shortly thereafter be shown to all because you do possess a certain power through your father...
But Christ wasn't like this. Although some people knew who He was, it wasn't until His last 3 years that He was proclaiming who He was and who His Father was -- but only to save you and me! His message of Hope which shakes the world to this day never ceases to draw many for a reason...If you too, are shaken today or have been recently moved by His spirit, don't hold back, instead acknowledge that you're a sinner and that He died on the cross for your sins and pray that He enters into your heart as you proclaim Him Lord and Saviour over your life...It's simple, yet the world has a hard time taking this free gift -- a costly grace through His death and His Love for us.
John 14:6
Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life."
Quoting Andrew Murray "His humility became our salvation. His salvation became our humility." It takes humility to accept the word of God and to accept the fact that we are NOT in control of our lives. Humility is the most important trait in growing towards Christ's likeness and bearing fruit. From within humility flows love, forgiveness, gentleness, goodness and most importantly faith.
One of my best friends, whom I mentioned in the previous post, made me the most memorable surprise ever. He was to leave Houston for good a few days later. He walked into my room on my 2nd Day of Chemo wearing a hat. On his average day, he'll wear a hat, so it wasn't uncommon for me to see him wearing a hat. A few seconds later, I notice his sideburns are gone and his hair is all shaved off! I looked at him and smiled and pointed it out; he then took off the hat, and I was thankful he was there for me, standing in solidarity even through his shaved head. It meant a lot to me. But I felt there was something more to his shaved head...I could tell he was hiding something from me. Before I could even make a comment about anything, he turned around and alas, he had a professional hairdresser carve the "I LOVE DH" on the back of his head:
Even Joanne got a kick out of it too! :)
The thought was ingenious, thoughtful and very memorable. It's one of those things that I'll never forget; I'll imagine the drawing in my head years from now, specifically when I see or remember this friend.
Towards the end of Cycle 5, I bled a few times when using the restroom. It happened at random instances over the past couple of months due to Chemo which causes some serious constipation...But I managed to get it behind me. This time however, it came more intensely and scared me at first. I wanted to share this with my doctor to make sure it was safe to continue into Cycle 6. The Chemo is known to destroy organs, mostly the Kidneys...I was troubled knowing it could imply some interior organ damage.
On August 25, my family and I met with my doctor and I shared the news with him. He got a bit confused because the bleeding caused by Chemo usually takes place during the first 10 days of the cycle, if at all...Mine started on Day 17. It was unusual.
Since surgery time was nearing and that the doctor didn't want to delay surgery any longer, he decided to set me up with the Gastrointestinal (GI) department to do a Colonoscopy. He also decided to cancel Cycle 6, as surgery cannot take place until 4 weeks after Radiation and the last cycle of Chemo are done. It gives the needed time for the effect of those treatments to take place. If we were to wait for the Colonoscopy and then do Cycle 6, it could have skewed things by about a week roughly.
My doctor looked at me and smiled and told me: "Daniel, this is my birthday present to you, I am cancelling Cycle 6!" I was so relieved, and only then did I realize how annoying and cumbersome those cycles were. I'm always ready to put on a fight and sustain the damage if I can, but I will not be opposed to the thought of any single day of Chemo that is taken off my shoulders.
I had also asked him about taking a few days off, without any hospital visits or ANYTHING of that sort. I took permission from him and my surgeon, and we worked it out so that I can take 3 weeks off before surgery!
September 28, my birthday, happens to fall right in the middle! God is always good, and never ceases to lift my spirits up and remind me that He is there with me. All glory to Him!
A few pictures from this Cycle:
This picture was actually taken at the end of Cycle 4 and one day before Cycle 5 began
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