Biopsy Day - April 6, 2010

A few days ago, Joanne introduced me to the song "Healer" by the great band Hillsong. I immediately fell in love with it because of the lyrics that touched me deeply as well as me being able to relate to it now. I could hear it over and over again in my head, believing that God is my Healer - although I was walking through the fire with Him.

Here's the song. It actually loops into a second song, which is also good...

"The hardships of forced marches are often more painful than the dangers of battle"
-General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson

I was scheduled to have a Biopsy later that day, and stayed without food, as the doctor had instructed. I tried to prepare myself mentally for what was ahead: more needles, more tests, more pain. Knowing that they were going to stick long needles through my body to take samples of the tumor really scared me despite everyone telling me it wouldn't hurt. Besides, I was a graduate with High Honors now, since I went through "The IV Night" with 3 blood-thirsty lurking nurses -- I don't think it can get any worse than that.

Around 10:00 am, one guy came with a stretcher to take me to the Biopsy room. This moment defined one of the few 'steps' in this process. I was ready to knock out processes one after the other to put them behind me. As he called my name, mixed emotions of happiness and fear were now at war. I looked at my parents, who immediately gave me the look of "Son, it's OK, you're going to be OK, God is with you". They got up and were ready to follow us.

The guy pushing me was a very nice guy. He was friendly and kind, and his age wasn't too far away from mine. I told him, "I can walk next to you if you like, you won't have to worry about rolling me -- and I won't tell your boss you didn't push me, haha", he smiled and said "Don't worry about it, this is my job...I enjoy this..." so I told him "Let's do it, Imma hop on this stretcher and then we can roll". I transitioned from my bed to the stretcher with care though, because my IV was still on my right arm and any false movement would still hurt me.

As he was pushing me around the hospital after covering me with fresh white sheets, I felt like telling him to run with me! Haha...It was actually fun because I was awake and in decent physical condition. I guess Ive seen too many movies with these stretchers. Good thing about this stretcher ride is that every time my eyes crossed someone else's, the person would smile at me. I wish people everywhere had this attitude and smiled to everyone else.

We get to the Biopsy waiting room and my parents stay behind, not too far away. I bid them farewell with a confident attitude as to not worry my mom. It's unfortunate they weren't allowed in my waiting area. A few minutes later, I notice the 2 big double doors open up. Im looking carefully and waiting to see if my mom had somehow made it this far. I had a feeling she'd show up. She always does, lol. And Alas! It was her once again! She's on her wheelchair and as if fighting for her life to make it to me on time. Such a beautiful picture of a mother and her son. She spoke to a nurse who granted her permission into the waiting room. I was thrilled; I really enjoy our bonding moments during these memorable times and knew this one wouldn't be any different. She always has wise words to share with me.

We exchanged kisses and one-handed hugs and talked and prayed for a few minutes before the surgeon arrived. The team in charge of my Biopsy was exceptional. It was 3 of them. They came to talk to us before the process and made us so comfortable. I was feeling great and ready! The surgeon was remarkably genuine and kind and was interested in my well-being, rather than just performing his job. After explaining to us in detail what would take place in the Biopsy room, he told my mother "Ma'm, we'll take good care of him" - and they took me in. This moment reminded me of when they took my mother a few months ago for her hip surgery. We were in the same situation, but tables had turned.

Inside the room, they had me lie on my stomach and put a triangular cushion under my right side hip/upper thigh so that the surgeon would have leverage and can easily access the area. It was going to be a CT guided Biopsy. I had to lay in that position and wait a few minutes as they were getting some stuff ready. I remember looking to my right side and seeing a box filled with 18, 19 and 22 inch needles...They were very long and quite thick. But they didn't deter me. My initial thought was that these were Texas-sized needles but that I was soon going to mess with them; I had reached this point: I was making jokes and laughing at myself. Silly me! I was actually more worried about the local Anesthesia injection I would be getting in my lower back/butt. The good news is that the surgeon wasn't going to surprise me. He would announce every step...Like I said, he was a super pleasant person.

He initially wanted to inject me with one dose of Anesthesia, but I told him and his nurse that I had strong tolerance and I didn't think it was enough. I felt the first Anesthesia injection followed by a mild lower back local Anesthesia shot. It wasn't too bad.
He was then ready to take his samples and I wobbled on his first one, so he asked the nurse to inject me another round of Anesthesia because I felt that one. Second time around, I moved a bit less, but still enough for him to ask her to inject me with a 3rd dose. He was honest when he said he wanted me to be comfortable. I was drowsy, light headed and did not feel the rest of the procedure. It was smooth. I slurred some words to the nurse and decided to just shut up. lol. I should have probably gone to sleep but the thought of someone grabbing stuff from inside my body was not dreaming material. A few minutes later, I couldn't hear anything but I didn't want to turn around or move abruptly. I then ask the surgeon "Are we done?" And he tells me "Daniel, you're supposed to be knocked out buddy!" :))

We all laugh a bit and they tell me that the Biopsy was successful and that I was on my way out in a few minutes.

I was glad this part was over. Another 'transportation person' takes me back to my room on a stretcher. I spoke to her the whole way back as the Anesthesia effect didn't last too long. Turns out she had just started her job and was going to school part-time and doing this full-time. I like how they work 3 days a week, 13 hour shifts!

I was excited to go back to my hospital bedroom and rest on the bed while chilling with the family. I had 2 breakfast trays and 2 lunch trays waiting for me but I couldn't eat them because I still had another CT Scan planned for 7pm that day!! I was starving!! I won't go in too much detail, but the CT Scan was very painful as I had to stay still on my back for 15 min. My flank and upper thigh were really really really hurting...beyond the norm.

I managed to knock out most of the trays waiting for me in the room. It was a feast! :)

A few minutes after I got back to my room, 9 visitors dropped by to keep us company. We had a great time and we were all hoping for good results.

After they left, my pain becomes intolerable....I know, it's no coincidence. The nurse gives me pain medication as well as a sleeping pill. I was ready to crash. I was worn out. But....

Sleeping time: 1 hour.

A day to remember - April 5, 2010

Today was a crazy day. We had expectations, but they weren't met.

I also fasted from midnight the previous night hoping and assuming I'd do my biopsy...

We met with Dr. Raad at MD Anderson at 8:30am to get registered at the hospital and to set up the biopsy. Running back and forth with doctors/nurses for over 2 hours, we were able to miraculously get registered fast. Like I said in my previous post, on average, it takes a patient 3-5 weeks to get registered at the hospital. God was working on my case.

It kills me to know that such an important and busy physician would take 2-3 of his busiest hours (Monday Morning) to help a fellow friend. What sacrifice is this? I was really touched by everything this man kept doing as he was pulling me out of the pits. I regard Dr. Raad as an angel sent from Heaven.

After doing a brutal blood test (the mark stayed on my arm for over a week - it was only 3 tubes), insurance called us while we were in the Biopsy waiting room and told us that we had to do everything at St. Luke's because they are my Primary Care Providers although I had connections at MDA. They were not going to cover me at MDA. This was disappointing but we were OK with it as we were hoping to transfer and be referred to MDA later on, after exhausting St. Luke's possibilities.

It was upsetting to my stomach that I had fasted all day and ended up not doing the biopsy, due to insurance....

I get admitted into St. Luke's at 8pm after waiting for 5 hours in the Admissions Center. Our tough times had just begun as we didn't know anyone in this hospital to help out...but it's OK to go through what other patients go through. Why am I better treated anyways?

As I get into my hospital room (Yellow Elevators - 16th Floor - Room #1609), the nurse comes over and welcomes me.
Here are a few pictures of me that night right after check-in:


She also immediately wants to stick me with an IV to draw blood (6 tubes) and inject fluids into my body. I remembered the brutal blood shot I took that morning at MDA, so I was inclined to wait a bit to get over it mentally, but we just went ahead and got started with the process.

1st stick: It was loooooong and painful and she wasn't able to draw blood! I was so upset it was a failed prick....but agreed a few minutes later to try again.

2nd stick: I told the nurse to call her colleague, as I was skeptical about her IV expertise. She shaves some hair on my upper hand and sticks me. She was moving the needle left and right, up and down to find the vain. Im looking at my father while all this is happening and Im asking him if we're almost done and he's not able to answer....so I start stressing out. It was soooooo painful, once again. Im not a weakling, but they were killing me. They fill 2 tubes with blood, and then all of a sudden, I see both nurses holding my arm and squeezing it to force the blood out. Can you believe it? They finally gave up on the 3rd tube and took out the needle after moving it around. The pain was unbelievable. By far the worst sticks I had seen to date (with the exception of one about 10 years ago). I was already sweating, and needed a 15 minute break. I was really tense by that time.

3rd stick: You're probably thinking I have bad vains or were too stressed...well, let me say that you'd be able to see my vains even if you were a few feet away from me. I have good, solid vains, and during the first 2 sticks I wasn't even nervous, thus not affecting the nurses from doing their job.
The 2nd nurse decides to stick me on my under-arm and I was afraid of that location because the skin is sensitive there and I knew Id get hurt. This stick was the most painful and the most memorable one. Not only is the needle long (because we're using it for the CT Scans the next day), but she kept moving it up, down, left, right to find the vain 'flow' to the point where my dad got so furious and told her to remove it immediately!! The needle wasn't 'fitting' right. The nurse then tells me to twist my arm as she twists the long needle so that she can remove it. This is insane. This IV experience so far was unlike anything any of us had seen. It was ridiculous. I then asked for an IV Specialist, or an IV Therapist, as they call them.

Here's a picture of me stressing out after 3 failed needle pricks....


There are 2 other pricks you don't see, on the other side of the arm:


4th stick: The new IV Specialist didn't seem too nice, but I didn't care as long as she did her job and got me out of this mess. It had already been 2 hours since they started this IV process. The nurse decided to put the IV on my under-arm, not too far away from the other prick and I explain to her how sensitive that area is, but she doesn't listen and insists on that location... She does it and finishes my blood test, but I was in soooooo much pain after she finished. She then asks me "Do you want me to remove it, and then I'll re-prick?". It was beyond me. I told her "Are you serious? I wouldn't lie about my pain, but it's hurting a lot. Ive had IV's before and this one isn't like the others". I waited about half an hour for the pain to go, and it didn't. She had stuck some intense tape on my IV. Nothing was going to remove it, but my hand was already all red, and it was very uncomfortable....Turns out for the next few days, I had my hand hanging in a specific way as I couldn't fold it, move it or anything....I felt the pain all day everyday! I decided it was better than a 5th murderous prick!! Maybe not the best decision after all? Who knows.

Tonight was my first night on Narcotic medicine and sleeping pills. They helped despite my pain that kept increasing.

Sleeping time: 5 hours.

Spiritual Food - April 4, 2010

We were thinking of going to church today, but it was a bit difficult for the family. We weren't too energetic (my mom and I) and we were lost in our own world. I was barely sleeping due to pain building up on my back as well as pain on my right flank. It was starting to become intolerable; I was therefore waking up super early and taking naps around noon.

We decided to have a Bible study at home to make up for not going to church. My mom lead this one, so you can rest assured that the passage was wisely chosen.
The Study was a great blessing for all of us.
Joanne also shared with us what the Lord showed her that morning. It was from the book of Hosea, Chapter 6, verses 1 and 2:

"Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces
But He will heal us;
He has injured us
but He will bind up our wounds

After two days He will revive us;
On the third day He will restore us,
that we may live in His presence."

These previous verses were really timely and we (as a family) were starting to let go on everything and let God take charge of my situation, whether the tumor was malignant or benign. It takes a while to get into that mind frame, and we were ramping up all our spiritual journeys towards fully relying on him and not stressing out or fearing anything that came our way. An extreme test of faith....but, I, personally, have been ready since I prayed alone on Friday. God gave me full peace, one that I cannot explain to anyone. I pretty much wake up and sleep and live life like you! I don't even think or remember that I have Cancer. Its toll on me has been null, excluding the physical side of it as I am in constant pain.

That night I texted a dear friend Fadi, and he texted me back saying there might be a group invasion into our house. At first, I wasn't too sure what that meant, but as soon as I saw all the church singles group walk in our house (about 20 people), I knew he wasn't joking around. lol. I felt, as always, blessed and loved beyond measure, although not everyone in the group knew I was sick, but they still showed up.

Dr. Raad visited us on this Sunday night and contacted MD Anderson physicians and doctors on the spot. He found a colleague who accepted to do my biopsy in less than 24 hours. That was a miracle. Besides, getting admitted into MDA in less than 24 hours is a miracle in itself. We went to sleep knowing we had a plan of attack for the morning....It was a last minute diversion.

My pain had become constant and I was having a hard time sleeping at night...
Sleeping time: 4 hours.

Never Forever Young - April 3, 2010

A few weeks ago, I have been listening to Jay-Z's song "Forever Young" with Mr. Hudson NON-stop. I'll admit I like rap and I like Jay-Z's raps for a few of his songs, one of them being this one.

What I thought was so special about this one is the total lie that Jay-Z portrays in the song -- a carefree life that knows no bad times, no disappointment, no worries and no worldly problems too big to bring one down. It's so surreal that it makes us want it, even if for a minute. I wished life was so easy. I won't lie to you, I always thought about staying forever young. Im happy where I am right now -- the first half of my twenty's have been super amazing. But that's a dream even Jay-Z lives. With my current situation, the song is so ironic...

No matter how famous or wealthy or influential you are, you're not going to stay forever young, and this song now takes a completely new meaning for me.



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Waking up this morning wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. It was Saturday. I love Saturdays; by far my favorite day of the week. Remembering the new reality that now walks with me, my morale and mood were always elevated. I wanted to stay positive and happy at any cost. I found my new challenge!

My family and I had one appointment that day. Thanks to 2 dear friends, I was able to meet with their father over lunch; he only happens to be one of the best oncologists in the world! Lol. I was stoked to see what he had to say about my case. Surely enough, as difficult as it was to share the truth, he suspected it was Cancer from the get-go. However, he did reiterate it was a 50-50, so we held onto this 50% chance and hoped the tumor was benign. The oncologist also comforted us by saying it would most likely be curable. While doctor optimism is reassuring, my greatest consolation lies in Jesus Christ, THE physician of all physicians. I cannot fully rely on any one person during these tough times.

That night we went back home with mixed feelings, and we decided to watch a movie to clear our minds for a while. We watched the Stoning of Soraya, a true story that took place during the Mousava Khomeini regime in Iran. I was not astonished to see once again, human brutality, but it put a smile on my face when I thought about Christ and how He made sure ALL women and ALL men are equal in His eyes...!! It doesn't matter what you've done in your past or how big of a sinner you are, He takes us all in, and He loves us equally!! Talk about taking refuge!

Good Friday - April 2, 2010

Unfortunately, there was nothing good about this "Good Friday". Despite it being the darkest day in Christianity, it also deemed to be a very tough day for me this year. It seemed to have lasted way over 24 hours....

I went to Kelsey Seybold Sugar Land at 7:30am to get a CT Scan with Contrast. The guy taking care of me was very friendly and loving. This usually makes the whole difference. His name was Carlos. I won't ever forget him. He gave me the best IV Shot (easiest one to date), and then injected contrast in my body. Before giving me the shot, he saw that I was a bit jittery, and therefore called his friend to hold my hand and stand by me during this time. I found it funny because no one would do this, but it just goes to show how kindness can be practiced anytime, and these guys did all they could to make a 25-year old comfortable although it's a somewhat easy process. Im used to having my mom around for IV's as she likes to hold my hand when Im a bit frightened :)

When he injected the contrast, my body was burning up from the bottom up, all the way to my throat. I had to hold it for about 2 minutes, and then he inserted me in the CT Scan machine to take pictures of my abdomen and pelvis. The contrast is an interesting experience but nothing painful or scary.

I then head to work for 2 hours and get a call from my Neurologist at 10:30am. She leaves a voicemail and tells me to call her back. I remember my coworker Luis making a comment about Doctors leaving voicemails and that they wouldn't give bad news over the phone -- I was in agreement, but something deep down made me feel otherwise, so I was anxious to talk to her to get the results.

I call her back at 11:30am and she doesn't pick up, so I leave a message with her nurse. I wait for a few hours to hear back from her, but she doesn't call back. So I call again at 1:50pm and she quickly takes the call. That raised a red flag, but then again she was a nice person too, so I didn't want to jump ahead of myself.

She then asks me: "Mr. Haddad, would you like me to share the results with you over the phone or would you like to come to my office to discuss?" I told her "Why? Is there anything wrong?" She then says: "When results aren't good, we ask our patients if they'd like to receive the news over the phone or in person". My heart started beating much faster as I knew something was wrong, and it probably wasn't just a 'small-bad thing'. It had to be something pretty bad for us to even get into this conversation. I immediately told her "Yes, please tell me now! I don't think I want to wait to know my MRI and CT Scan results!".

She then said "Well, Mr. Haddad, you have an 8cm x 6cm tumor on the right side of your body, above your hip." At that, I was totally freaked out, but I was waiting to hear the word "Cancer", so I jumped and asked her: "Is it Cancer???" And she says she doesn't know since the doctor wrote a report and said that it was most probably a malignant tumor but that there is still a chance that it is a benign tumor. So she didn't want to answer my questions as she stood by the "We still don't know for sure what it is, so let's not jump to conclusions".

Hearing this news right before the weekend, on Good Friday, made it all the more memorable. My heart dropped to the floor and I don't know how I managed to continue my driving, but I was afraid and responded internally "I knew it!" So I spoke to God on my way home and wondered what was happening to me....I sobbed twice during the commute.

As soon as I got home, I happened to see my mom right next to the door.... How convenient! Not what I was hoping for. For once though, I didn't feel guilty. I didn't have to share with her something that I had done wrong ;)

I was worried about conveying the news to her as she would literally pass out. We exchanged kisses and a quick hug. It's amazing how the mother has strong instincts and can feel vibes very quickly. After asking about work and my day, she asked me if I got my results. I didn't know she would ask that question so fast, but I made a few steps towards her as I was ready to collapse. We shared this intense look and I grabbed her, hugged her and started crying passionately as I told her that the Neurologist said it was a tumor and that it is more likely to be malignant. I will never forget her "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" as she sobbed like never before. You can only imagine what the next few moments were like....My dad was steps behind me and I saw him fall apart too. It wasn't long before Joanne came to the kitchen but was totally clueless. She wasn't ready for the news. It was a shocker to all of us.

The moment I shared with my mom the news will surely go down in history for us. It was a dark one.

The rest of the day was gloomy and gray, bitter and long. We managed to leave the house so we can discuss our new found problem at Fuddruckers followed by a Café. We brought the paperwork and went over it diligently.



Joanne called Dr. Issam Raad, Chairman of Infectious Diseases at MD Anderson and shared with him the news. We asked him to visit us at home, and he relieved us by saying he'd drop by later on that night. We all couldn't wait for him to drop by, as we were ready to show him the pictures and documents and see what he had to say.

Minutes ticked, but they were like hours...Instead of remembering and focusing on the cross, here we were looking at each other trying to fathom the new reality. Dr. Raad came by and spent a generous time with us comforting us and telling us that it was still too early to know exactly what the tumor was. He comforted us spiritually through his prayer. He said he'd come back soon and that he'd do all he can to help us at MD Anderson.

This picture was taken a few minutes before Dr. Raad's arrival. Silly me, I was reviewing the CT Scans leading myself to believe things.....lol















We all departed the sitting room and each family member headed their own way...We all knew very well we were taking our prayers privately and needed some time alone. Besides, it was getting late. I kissed my family good night and headed to my room. Even our kisses and hugs went to new levels. Family meant something far deeper than I had ever known it. I knew they were all standing by me to the very end. What a blessing to have such a loving and caring family!

As I got to my bed, I got on my knees (on the mattress) and prayed to God and told Him that His will be done in my life. I rededicated my life to Him, with everything I had. I also let Him know that Id like to be healed =)
He knew I was broken and in disbelief, but He immediately put peace in my heart.

Philippians 4:7 says, "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -- I became a living symbol of this verse. A cloud of peace and comfort came into my life after my prayer and I slept with a smile on my face....How good He is.

Documentary Importance - April 1, 2010

My family and I usually huddle up at night and spend some valuable time together. However, on this April Fool's Day, as they may call it, we ended it by watching a documentary on the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

The interesting thing about the documentary is that it focused on the robber who asked God for forgiveness as he was hanging on the cross. Jesus Christ gladly forgives him and tells him that today they will both enter the Kingdom of God. What forgiveness is this?

The documentary was very touching and very emotional as I was reminded once again the brutal, violent, barbaric and most evil way to kill someone. The draining death was very graphic and the images stayed in my mind. I cannot comprehend this suffering or this pain as it would be disturbing to even the most evil persons out there. The picture of a thick and long nail going through Jesus' hand (and the robbers') with a hammer is just mind boggling. What love is this that He would die for you and I?

Little did I know that these images would give me strength for what's to come....


John 3:16
For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not die but have eternal life.