Good Friday - April 2, 2010

Unfortunately, there was nothing good about this "Good Friday". Despite it being the darkest day in Christianity, it also deemed to be a very tough day for me this year. It seemed to have lasted way over 24 hours....

I went to Kelsey Seybold Sugar Land at 7:30am to get a CT Scan with Contrast. The guy taking care of me was very friendly and loving. This usually makes the whole difference. His name was Carlos. I won't ever forget him. He gave me the best IV Shot (easiest one to date), and then injected contrast in my body. Before giving me the shot, he saw that I was a bit jittery, and therefore called his friend to hold my hand and stand by me during this time. I found it funny because no one would do this, but it just goes to show how kindness can be practiced anytime, and these guys did all they could to make a 25-year old comfortable although it's a somewhat easy process. Im used to having my mom around for IV's as she likes to hold my hand when Im a bit frightened :)

When he injected the contrast, my body was burning up from the bottom up, all the way to my throat. I had to hold it for about 2 minutes, and then he inserted me in the CT Scan machine to take pictures of my abdomen and pelvis. The contrast is an interesting experience but nothing painful or scary.

I then head to work for 2 hours and get a call from my Neurologist at 10:30am. She leaves a voicemail and tells me to call her back. I remember my coworker Luis making a comment about Doctors leaving voicemails and that they wouldn't give bad news over the phone -- I was in agreement, but something deep down made me feel otherwise, so I was anxious to talk to her to get the results.

I call her back at 11:30am and she doesn't pick up, so I leave a message with her nurse. I wait for a few hours to hear back from her, but she doesn't call back. So I call again at 1:50pm and she quickly takes the call. That raised a red flag, but then again she was a nice person too, so I didn't want to jump ahead of myself.

She then asks me: "Mr. Haddad, would you like me to share the results with you over the phone or would you like to come to my office to discuss?" I told her "Why? Is there anything wrong?" She then says: "When results aren't good, we ask our patients if they'd like to receive the news over the phone or in person". My heart started beating much faster as I knew something was wrong, and it probably wasn't just a 'small-bad thing'. It had to be something pretty bad for us to even get into this conversation. I immediately told her "Yes, please tell me now! I don't think I want to wait to know my MRI and CT Scan results!".

She then said "Well, Mr. Haddad, you have an 8cm x 6cm tumor on the right side of your body, above your hip." At that, I was totally freaked out, but I was waiting to hear the word "Cancer", so I jumped and asked her: "Is it Cancer???" And she says she doesn't know since the doctor wrote a report and said that it was most probably a malignant tumor but that there is still a chance that it is a benign tumor. So she didn't want to answer my questions as she stood by the "We still don't know for sure what it is, so let's not jump to conclusions".

Hearing this news right before the weekend, on Good Friday, made it all the more memorable. My heart dropped to the floor and I don't know how I managed to continue my driving, but I was afraid and responded internally "I knew it!" So I spoke to God on my way home and wondered what was happening to me....I sobbed twice during the commute.

As soon as I got home, I happened to see my mom right next to the door.... How convenient! Not what I was hoping for. For once though, I didn't feel guilty. I didn't have to share with her something that I had done wrong ;)

I was worried about conveying the news to her as she would literally pass out. We exchanged kisses and a quick hug. It's amazing how the mother has strong instincts and can feel vibes very quickly. After asking about work and my day, she asked me if I got my results. I didn't know she would ask that question so fast, but I made a few steps towards her as I was ready to collapse. We shared this intense look and I grabbed her, hugged her and started crying passionately as I told her that the Neurologist said it was a tumor and that it is more likely to be malignant. I will never forget her "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" as she sobbed like never before. You can only imagine what the next few moments were like....My dad was steps behind me and I saw him fall apart too. It wasn't long before Joanne came to the kitchen but was totally clueless. She wasn't ready for the news. It was a shocker to all of us.

The moment I shared with my mom the news will surely go down in history for us. It was a dark one.

The rest of the day was gloomy and gray, bitter and long. We managed to leave the house so we can discuss our new found problem at Fuddruckers followed by a Café. We brought the paperwork and went over it diligently.



Joanne called Dr. Issam Raad, Chairman of Infectious Diseases at MD Anderson and shared with him the news. We asked him to visit us at home, and he relieved us by saying he'd drop by later on that night. We all couldn't wait for him to drop by, as we were ready to show him the pictures and documents and see what he had to say.

Minutes ticked, but they were like hours...Instead of remembering and focusing on the cross, here we were looking at each other trying to fathom the new reality. Dr. Raad came by and spent a generous time with us comforting us and telling us that it was still too early to know exactly what the tumor was. He comforted us spiritually through his prayer. He said he'd come back soon and that he'd do all he can to help us at MD Anderson.

This picture was taken a few minutes before Dr. Raad's arrival. Silly me, I was reviewing the CT Scans leading myself to believe things.....lol















We all departed the sitting room and each family member headed their own way...We all knew very well we were taking our prayers privately and needed some time alone. Besides, it was getting late. I kissed my family good night and headed to my room. Even our kisses and hugs went to new levels. Family meant something far deeper than I had ever known it. I knew they were all standing by me to the very end. What a blessing to have such a loving and caring family!

As I got to my bed, I got on my knees (on the mattress) and prayed to God and told Him that His will be done in my life. I rededicated my life to Him, with everything I had. I also let Him know that Id like to be healed =)
He knew I was broken and in disbelief, but He immediately put peace in my heart.

Philippians 4:7 says, "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -- I became a living symbol of this verse. A cloud of peace and comfort came into my life after my prayer and I slept with a smile on my face....How good He is.