Chemo CYCLE 1 - April 21 - May 13, 2010

Right before my Chemotherapy, I already had a library of daily medications...It seemed daunting at first, but I had to maintain a chart to keep up with the different medications as each had different timings and different daily doses. I was going to build an Excel spreadsheet, but got too lazy and am doing it the old fashioned way :)

As mentioned before, every cycle is 21 days and I was asked to do 6 cycles before my surgery and about 4 after my surgery. So Im quite a few cycles away from being done...I won't think of the big picture, and I was told by various people to take it step by step and not to worry about future cycles or anything. I think they're right, cause counting down 250 days cannot be fun ;)

At first I didn't know what all this meant, or what Chemotherapy was really about. Everyone kept telling me "You're strong, you can do this...don't sweat it etc..." so the task at hand seemed easier than it was.

Turns out most of these people (and Im sorry if you're one of them) were kind enough to be supportive and encouraging but had no idea what the toughest dose of Chemotherapy meant or what its implications were. Words are easy to throw, but going through it is a different story.

While walking around and spending time in the hospital, I met various people. Obviously as I get to know these patients, the first question evolves around the type of cancer, the staging, the spread etc, but then another common question was the type of Chemotherapy. Most of them had one day of chemotherapy every 21 days, others had 2 days for every cycle, but few of them had the highest dose, which is the toughest Chemo out there as it's 5 consecutive days for every cycle.

I didn't know what to think initially, but it just happened...I plunged into it unknowingly and it really caught me off guard the first 2 days. I had to go to MDA everyday for about 7-8 hours and get injected with Chemo, then I would go home with a backpack and was connected 24 hours for 5 days.

This is a simple example...sleeping with the new love of my life:

I didn't really feel the Chemo the first 2 days and I was relatively strong and told myself that if it didn't get any tougher, this whole thing was a joke, lol.

I am going to include a progression of photos to show you what I am talking about...

On Day 1 of Chemo, I was upset MDA delayed me by 3 hours. Instead of leaving the hospital at 9pm, I ended up leaving at midnight. Fadi and I had planned a Karaoke night that night and I was disappointed not to have made it. I was ready to rap some Jay-Z. Maybe next time, lol. In exchange, this is what my loving friends decided to do during my absence:

DAY 2: I was still feeling OK and wasn't minding my situation yet...Things weren't gloomy, considering all things. However, I started getting fever. Fever had started a few days before, but continued throughout.

Notice here how my right leg was sweating. I woke up in the middle of the night due to my fever. And the funny thing is my right leg only would be sweating...this pattern had been happening for quite a few days, and continued throughout Chemotherapy.

Day 3: I started feeling it and was getting weaker...My nausea kicked in on this day. I had a very hard time eating a small California sushi roll. Same nightly fever.

Day 4: Totally feeling nauseated and very sick. I was hating my situation as I was very tired, weak and down. Despite visitors, I was still knocked out most of the time.

Days 5 through 8 had to be the worst days I've ever faced. One day felt like a week, a week felt like a month. Time was ticking so slowly and I couldn't eat anything. Everytime I would eat something, I would vomit. I worked so hard on eating food throughout the day, and then at night, or a bit later on, I would vomit the food. It was horrible and depressing. My throat was hurting due to all the vomiting. I once vomited right after taking a pill -- a bit of water did it for me. I couldn't even look at water. It tasted nasty. I was so nauseated that nothing seemed good. Every time my mom would ask me about food, I had to literally think about it for minutes and try to figure out what my system could eat or drink. It was unbelievable.

I used to dread the nights. My cancer was cyclical. It was smart enough to know when it was night-time. And when it was night-time, pain would increase, fever would kick in, and my right leg would start sweating. I would also get very tired. Incredible. I should have traveled to Europe or abroad to confuse the tumor and get it jet-lagged ;)

I cannot describe what my body felt like during those 4 days. I was deeply poisoned, toxicated and just hating my life and the ongoing bad feelings that didn't go away. Every minute was a fight. I remember one afternoon (I think it was Day 6) battling by the minute as I could no longer take it...and then thoughts of the future 9 cycles would come to my mind and knock me down further. I did get thoughts of not wanting to continue any of this and just wanted to give up...It was too easy to give up and I can see why older people wouldn't want to go through this, it's basically a legal torture.

Not that Ive climbed Mt. Everest or any other monster mountain, but just imagine it's past dusk and the cold weather/wind and the snow are slamming you in the face and you have to continue climbing and moving your limbs before you freeze. It's that type of fight -- No joke.

I had to literally pick myself up after every nap. I had to think hard for minutes and 'plan' getting off the couch. I spent hours on the same couch not doing anything....just breathing and living like a vegetable. I was told if I spent a long time napping, sleeping or not moving that I would get pneumonia, so getting my body to move was a big mental and physical battle.

What got me going almost every time was the crucifixion of Christ and how much He suffered. When I remembered the scenes from the Passion of the Christ or the documentary I watched on April 1st, right before knowing I had Sarcoma, I got a strength from within, a voice pushing me, and a surreal power that would just lift my body. I was totally reckless. God was literally picking me up.

Having to drink liquids every 15 minutes was another torture. I couldn't keep up with drinking so often. Not drinking raises the risk of getting the Kidneys infected. A lot of Chemo patients get Kidney infections...and that scared the heck out of me....so I had to fight to drink. Every sip was harder than the previous sip. Ginger Ale and Apple Juice were my only tolerable drinks. They were my friends during these tough days....but even they were tough to bare after a while...

It's true that this 'game' is mostly a mental one, but the body is always wanting to trump the mind. You then get into a personal battle -- and you shape this battle based on who you really are, how much you can handle and how much you're ready to handle. Sort of like a pride thing. And for the pride that I've had in my past, the Lord broke me and humbled me. I easily acknowledged man's weakness and God's greatness. It was beautiful. I enjoyed noticing how Great and overwhelming God is, and that all mankind is at His mercy. All we are is just 'Dust in the Wind'...Not surprising that even Kansas, the band, got it right.

But I was committed to do this. True commitment is serious and powerful. It's not just saying you'll do it, but rather doing it. It's not conditional because being committed means to be absolutely committed. And that's how it was with me. I was in the midst of this, but I had to keep on going. I had no choice and no turning back.

I had to work with what I had. It meant perseverance until the goal was reached. This was my mind frame throughout these days, until they were over. I had to adjust to reality and move forward. I had to work hard to achieve making it through the days without making it harder than it really is.

Not fun times I tell you...But the good thing is that I never complained or asked why this happened to me. It didn't bother me. I will repeat this...I felt honored to carry this task forward to glorify God. I wouldn't trade this for anything. It's changing who I am and how I perceive life and this world. It's really changed me on many fronts, mostly on the spiritual one. Ive also become much more emotional.

When all is said and done, this would have been the best experience Ive ever had, and I thank God for teaching me and being patient with me. There are a lot of worse cases and scenarios out there...This isn't the worst thing in the world. And hearing God's voice on April 2nd and feeling His peace makes it all the more better for me. I really can't complain. God is good, all the time. I am very blessed. I will stay committed because I know that true commitment gets results like nothing else can.

I was going to post a video I took on Day 5, but decided not to...I have 2 others which I'll include in this post...

The following days I thought would get better, but they didn't. The problem is Chemo destroyed all cells: good, bad, hair cells, everything. My immune system had gone to the ground. My white blood count was basically at 0 (0.4 to be exact), meaning I could catch any bacteria very easily. Fever and sickness are easy targets as well, so we were told to go to the Emergency Room if any of those symptoms arose. We actually had a list we had to follow. There are over 10 symptoms that make one have to go to the ER. I had high fever on Day 10, so I had to go to the ER.

Even if you're doing well and are feeling strong, once you check into the ER, they make sure to take you down. Besides the blood shot and the 12 tubes of blood they take, the hospital and patients make things all the more depressing. I was very weak and my fever was very high. They kept giving me various pills and injecting me with anti-biotic fluids to drop my fever but it wouldn't drop. I had Neutropenic Fever. If you're interested in understanding more about the importance of fever during low blood count, you can read this article:

http://www.chemocare.com/managing/fever_neutropenic_fever_and_their.asp

I had to return to the ER for 2 more days until they dismissed me and let me stay home on antibiotics...My fever had somewhat dropped by Day 12 and I didn't have to go to the ER anymore....What a relief!

The following picture might remind you of Michael Jackson....During another cycle, I'll try to mimic MJ and wear the same clothes he was wearing. Haha ;)

By the way, one of the medications Im taking does not allow me to stay under the sun, thus the umbrella ;)

The life of the mask had become my new life:

On Day 10, I got rashes in 5 different areas of my upper body: my arm, my hips, and on my sides. It was annoying and I had to use creams.

On days 11 and 12, I got a black eye and my backside was killing me. I was not able to sit on a chair anymore. We were told the pain and the symptoms would go away after 2 days...It was very painful.

On Day 11, I also lost my taste buds. Water tasted bitter, food tasted very different....It was quite upsetting. I remember craving a Taco late at night, so I went and bought one from Taco Bell. As soon as I got home I ate it. It had to be the worst tasting taco Ive ever had. It didn't taste like a Taco. It tasted bitter and just unpleasant to the mouth. I had a hard time eating just one crunchy taco. I usually eat 5 or 6 of those.

Days 13 and 14 were especially memorable as I got not-so-typical symptoms. On Day 13 I had severe stomach ache and it was harsher than any stomach ache Ive had in my past...I thought the world was going to end. I was relieved when it went away towards late afternoon. We were getting ready to go to the ER for this, but I got lucky as the pain subsided.

On Day 14, I got a severe tooth ache. I was so upset because I had gotten over Nausea but now could not eat due to my tooth! It was so frustrating!

This tooth pain was by far the strongest pain I had experienced during my cancer journey so far. It literally killed me, and I called Dr. Raad who immediately put me in touch with a Dental Oncologist friend of his.

After meeting with the doctor and taking X-rays, I was told I had to re-do a Root Canal on a tooth, and the best time to do it is a few days before a new cycle of Chemotherapy so that I don't catch an infection. I re-did my Root Canal on Wednesday May 12, Day 21 of the cycle.

Day 15 was my first good day! I woke up and was surprised to be OK. I had no symptoms, was over my nausea and was ready to enjoy my day! My tooth ache had stopped with the antibiotic I was taking. I felt so blessed that day! I was still weak and couldn't do too much activity, but I was doing just fine.

The following days until Day 21 were all good. They are days purposely left for the cancer patients so that they could gain some energy, eat more and put on weight, get stronger and take a breather from Chemo. It's really boiled down to a science.

During Cycle 1, I went from 82Kg to 72. By Day 18, I was back up at 74Kg. I hit 76kg by the time I started Cycle 2 on Friday May 14.

Here is a video taken on Day 19, or Sunday May 9th. By the way I was going to post 2 other videos, but I decided not to...so this is video 3, and that's why I mention the other 2 videos in this one:

My friend Alex came over on Day 20 to shave my head. It was a fun and memorable time.

Alex and his wife Elissa have been a huge blessing in my life. Besides their daily prayers and spiritual support, they have worldly advice too as they're both cancer survivors. Having them around has made a difference and I'm thankful for them.

My mom, who was expecting the worse and dreading the day I lose my hair, didn't find my haircut too bad. I was thankful as my new haircut made me feel like I'm in the army.